Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Ramblings from the past 3 weeks

Oh my, where did the last 3 weeks go? =S

So many things, both small and big, have happened, came and gone, and I've not even had a chance to really contemplate and learn from them. Makes me wonder if I will still have opportunities to really look deep inside myself and muse about the events that happen around and to me when little Ethan finally comes next month, and presumably will take up most of my time!

I am so close to finally being able to hold him in my arms.

I am so close to being a mom.

It has been a really wonderful journey, the last 9 months. Ethan has been really good to me. He's growing happily and contentedly inside me, giving me little worries and problems. Thank you, my child. =)

Thinking back, the struggle to decide to have a child for as long as I can remember to my present state of close to delivering this little bundle of joy has truly been one of the most memorable journeys of my life. I don't think I will ever regret having struggled with deciding to have a child though. And I definitely do not think it was a waste of time at all.

For all its worth, the struggle has led me through a very interesting journey inward, to explore myself, my values, my beliefs, my fears, my strengths and my weaknesses. This journey inward has been worth its weight in gold because I have learnt to accept myself for all that I am, and that has made me as whole as a person I can be at this point of my life.

So now, I am ready for the next big step in my life! To nurture and be a role model for another little human being, whom I am sure will have his own little journey of discovery of what life means to him.

On Valentine's Day, I told Wayne that I was wrong. (Yes, one of those rare times when I openly admit that I have been wrong! ;-)) He asked me what I meant.

I once told Wayne that I was so sure that when and if we have a child, our marriage will break down, and we will end up in separation, and I was so afraid of that. Poor guy, to think that he had to sit through conversations like that. But I was so wrong.

I actually have grown to love him more since little Ethan came into our lives. Nowadays when I look at the father of our child, my heart always swells with an almost unbearable, uncontrollable, indescribable surge of immense pride and love. In the last 9 months, I have seen Wayne grown in his own way. He looks a lot happier and is more engaged in life!

Wayne has been the most wonderful partner to me, stable where I have been shaky, logical where I have been emotional, wise where I have been foolish, loyal where I have been tempted to stray.

For all that he is, I love him very much. And for all my rantings about his mellowness, and lack of emotional depth (which by the way is not true at all!), I would not have him any other way.

Again, I was so wrong about Wayne's lack of emotional depth. Just like I always told him that he cannot expect me to react and behave logically like him in situations, I should heed my own preaching, and not expect him to show his emotions freely and expressively like me! Oh my, what an epiphany! =) To think that we've been together for 10 years, and I am still learning so much about this wonderful man. A lifetime truly may not be enough!

So now, even as inexperienced as parents we both are, I know our love for each other, and for Ethan will see us through the ups and downs of first time parenthood. As I hold this thought, I can truly feel the growing excitement, and I am looking forward to being Ethan's mom! =)

I am not aiming to go for the best mom in the world award.... But I am certain I will be the best mom to and for Ethan! =)

There, my dear child, here's mommy's first promise to you, all bared and laid out.

Life beckons now. I have to get ready and go to work. Till the next time I muse.